Dear Fanfiction Writers
by Silverlight10243
Summary: A collection of drabbles, letters and rants from our favorite (or least favorite) characters of Westeros, on the matter of... fanfiction. Accepting ideas!
1. Daenerys

**A/N: Hi all, recently I've become completely hooked into a Song of Ice and Fire and I can say that I've also read a sufficient amount of ASOIAF fanfiction... so here's my first go at it. These letters and drabbles are just me harmlessly making fun of cliches/ stories I love, so please don't be offended and if you happen to recognize parts of your story here... well... chances are I loved reading about them XD**

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Dear Fanfiction Writers,

For all of you Dany/ Jorah shippers, I'll always be thankful for him being there for me back then, but I'm his Queen, not his lover and in all honesty, he did disrespect me once his lips met mine. So stop.

Please refrain yourselves from writing your so-called 'High School Fics' where I'm either a drastically shy outcast or the alpha girl in town, or some scary schoolteacher. *cough cough

Now I must say I'm rather grateful some of you chose to make Khal Drogo or my son Rhaego survive, but that's all wishful thinking, it'll never happen.

By the way, who the hell is Jon Snow?

Daenerys Targaryen

P.S: My dragons are my children, I ride them, feed them but I would NEVER fondle with them, understood?

Drogon, _dracarys._

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**A/N: So who would you like to see next, send in your ideas!**


	2. Joffrey

**A/N: I'm turning this into a challenge, comment with any character and I'll dig deep into the dark pits of fanfiction for reference, oh believe me I ****will...**

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Dear Fanfiction Writers,

I am the KING! The only TRUE king of the realm! Bow before me, NOW…

…

*After 29 seconds of awkward silence*

…

NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW. Or I'll have you all killed! Ouch! Mummy, they're bullying me! Mummy… mummy… MUMMY!

*We must regretfully notice you all that King Joffrey Baratheon has received a papercut and is, unfortunately, unable to complete this letter"

Joffrey

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**A/N: Had to get this out, I simply loath the boy, best thing he did was dying XD**


	3. Sansa

Dear Fanfiction Writers

Stop portraying me as a naïve, oblivious teenager, I did find Joffrey attractive once—I was young and impressionable back then. Though I must admit, I DID enjoy your stories where I got to push that rotten little abomination off the window…

What's with the Sansa X Jaime stories? I've barely seen or spoken to him, not to mention the fact that he's a kingslayer. What's wrong with you people! As for Margaery, I saw her as a sister, nothing else; please stop your sexual insinuations about us. Nor would I ever have a... threesome with her and JOFFREY, that's just repulsive! On top of this me and Jon Snow? _Jon Snow?_ He's my half brother! Last time I checked the Starks weren't prone to incest.

Worst of all, what's with the popularity of SanSan stories? Me and the Hound?! For God's sake he tried to rape me! No, we would never get married and magically turn up at Riverrun to gain my mother's consent! This is ridiculous!

Sansa Stark

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**A/N: Next up... Tyrion Lannister! Then I'll probably do one for Jon Snow.**

**Ahh I love SanSan too... it pains me to write this...**


	4. Tyrion

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

I'm simply appalled by your horrific imagination, I never had a twin sister who's got 'teats bigger than dragon eggs' and hair 'as gold as the sun'. Nor would she ever be called Mary, or Susan.

Let's make it plain, I'm interested in woman. _Woman_. Get your facts right, I'll never fuck Jaime, that'll be Cersei. Which brings me to another point; I'll never fuck Cersei either. The same goes with: Catelyn Stark, Bran Stark, Jon Snow or _Bronn_. Especially Bronn, which one of you dimwits came up with that suggestion anyway?

Tyrion Lannister

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**A/N: Ahh... this one didn't come out as well as I had expected, since Tyrion is one of my favorite characters, I find it quite difficult to write him perfectly IC... Besides, ****fanfictions about him are generally bordering normality, so I guess there isn't much to rant about.**

**Who should I do next?**

**Also, what's the strangest couple you've heard about?**


	5. Jon S

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

I. Am. Not. An. Emo. (or an exorcist or a religious fanatic) Yes, I wear black, except if you haven't noticed, so does the entire Night's Watch. Does that make them emos too? If so, I highly doubt your logistics are functioning healthily and quit using _you know nothing, Jon Snow _as a rebuttal. Ygritte and Ygritte only is allowed to say that.

Speaking of Ygritte, why do most of your Jon-centric romance fictions neglect her and instead, chose some bizarre woman I've never heard of? Care to explain why Danaerys Targaryen? I've never met her a single time, to boot this absurdity we inhabit different _continents._ Which brings me to another point, why are some of you lot insinuating that I'm a _Targaryen_ bastard, nominally the son of Rhaegar and my aunt Lyanna? If so, pairing me with Danaerys would be the equivalent of hooking me up with my… aunt. *shudders*

Not to mention I'm _celibate_, yes, Ygritte was an exception. Please stop pairing me with Arya, she's my little sister for gods sake! And Sansa. And Lady Catelyn, who'd probably skin me if she found out about this site.

Stop giving me a mystical womb, I can't have ass babies with Mance Rayder or Robb Stark, you sick people. For the last time, I am not feminine and cease all Jon/Robb stories immediately, it's not cute, or sexy, or alluring. It's sick. Robb was my half-brother and my friend, _not_ my lover.

Sam's my best friend and meant a lot to me, but that's all. None of us would get pregnant and give birth to kids named Frodo, Merry or Pippin—it's not playing clever, it's plain moronic. Finally Theon, _Theon Greyjoy,_ are you out of your minds?! May the Others take you Theon/ Jon shippers. Angry buttsex?!

Jon Snow

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A/N: Jon has some of the most disturbing fanfictions but he's way too nice by Westrosi standards... Naturally this chapter was quite OOC...


	6. Arya

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

_Gendarya? _Me and _Gendry_, I mean, I saw him as a friend and to an extent, an older brother but what's with all that smutty, _Sansa_-like romance between us? Stop with those _high-school_ fics with me as a regular gossipy, _Sansa_-like girl already. And about that, why is it always me and _Gendry _going on double dates with _Sansa_ and _Sandor Clegane_?_  
_

I love how in most stories, I do get to kill the Boltons, Cersei Lannister and the Freys—that I'll appreciate, but what's with me hooking up with that Aegon guy? I've never even met him or hear of him, that is, until I came across this website of yours. From all that I could gather, the only thing we have in common is that we're both living in the same _continent._

Let's see, who else am I 'shipped' with… _Syrio Forel?! _Sure he taught me meaningful lessons, but this… this is absurd and a story where I'm a _photographer_ and in love with _Jaqen H'ghar_?!

* Scrolls through stories *

Me and Jon Snow? He's my half-brother you disgusting people! That's it, I'm out of here.

* Muses to herself *

Ilyn, Meryn, Queen Cersei, Dunsen, Raff the Sweetling, the Boltons, the Freys, Gendarya shippers, Jon/Arya shippers, Jaquen/ Arya shippers and Syrio/ Arya shippers. Valar Morghulis.

Arya Stark


	7. Hodor

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

HODOR! HOdor hodor hodor hodor, hoDOR hoDOR hodOR hodor hodor hodor?

HODOR!

Hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor? Hodor. Hodor hodor hodor!

HoDOR hoDOR hoDor hODor!

Hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor.

HOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRR!?

Hodor

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**A/N: Er... my apologies for my indecipherable hodoring, but I simply had to get this out XD**


	8. Eddard

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

I'm not sure what to say, I'm… rather flattered that some of you chose to keep me alive, however there are some issues I must address. First and foremost, I would never have killed Joffrey no matter what an abomination he is and usurp the throne for myself.

Secondly, my daughters. Why must you all pair Sansa with Sandor Clegane and assume I'd simply be _just fine_ with it, or even become a happy-dad? Why Arya and Gendry? I know Robert and I wanted to join houses but why Gendry?

Thirdly, Nedbert, me and Robert would never… fondle with each other—if that's how I'd put it, I love my wife Catelyn and no one else.

Finally what's with the 'band-fics' and Robert, the lead singer suddenly dying of drug overdose? And me as a guitarist?! _hippie!_Ned/ _hippie!_Robert aren't a potential pairing.

Me and Cersei Lannister?! No, please, just no.

Eddard Stark

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**A/N: Well... there are actually Ned/Cersei fics out there, what can I say? ;) Some of them are pretty good, there's this one called Fool's Gold by labyrinths and on Archive of Our Own, I'd suggest you check out On Troubled Waters. Yes... I'm actually somewhat fond of this pairing; makes me doubt my sanity :p**


	9. Roose

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

I've never fathered a son with musical aspirations named… Troy Bolton. Nor do I have a brother called Micheal.

Roose Bolton

P.S: My leeches aren't sex toys. Who came with Roose/ Leech anyway?

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**Oh yes you did, your son Troy wanted to be a musician and ran away with a bunch of mummers, fell in love with a beauty named Gabriella. By the time he returned to Dreadfort, you skinned his basketball in retaliation. Afterwards, you decided you legitimize Ramsay, cuz' apparently it's better an omnicidal psychopath than a sentimental musician. **

**The End**

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**A/N: Alright the last part was pure trolling XD**

**Many thanks to my awesome reviewers, particularly Marin Ka-Fai, who's reviewed almost EVERY single chapter 3**


	10. Margaery

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Look, I understand, I've married three times already but is this really an excuse to pair me up with _every single_ male member of Westeros? Honorable mentions include Robb Stark, Quentyn Martell, Edmure Tully and Rickon Stark.

*Shakes her head *

Stop with this whole, Margaery-got-friendzoned-by-Renly-who-married-her-for-the-sole-excuse-of-getting-close-with-her-brother-Loras thing, please. And I'm NOT a slut.

You know what? Screw what I said before; pair me up with _men_ at the very least, I'll never engage in _any_ sexual activity with Sansa Stark or any of my cousins, sleeping in the same bed doesn't indicate sexual attraction. Nor would I turn lesbian and marry Danaerys Targaryen. All these thoughts are simply repulsive.

Margaery Tyrell


	11. Tyrion II

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

You must all think yourselves very clever but I'll never change my house motto into: Hear me whore. It's not funny, it's a rather pathetic attempt at humor. Understood?

Tyrion Lannister

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**A/N: Alright, I never came across that in a fanfiction...yet but I did see this on a forum discussion, it was... pretty amusing.**


	12. House Greyjoy

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

We do not sow does NOT translate into: we do not do anything economically productive. Hear us? Pillage is a sacrament, we ironborn take what we want.

Next time such a thing happens, we'll take you as well.

House Greyjoy

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**A/N: Ahaha today's theme seems to be house mottos...**

**Most disturbing AU scenario?**


	13. Robb

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

I love Jeyne Westerling and I have no regrets over my choice so _please_ stop writing fanfics where I magically dump her and hook up with some random chick like Margaery Tyrell. What's with Robbaery fics? What's with Robbaery? Sounds like robbery.

Myrcella? Wait, isn't she Cersei Lannister's only daughter? Yeah… that's not going to happen. Have we even met? Wait, yeah… we did, just once though.

Me and Jon Snow? He's my _half_ brother and face it, none of us are ever getting pregnant! None of us are gay, for the matter.

Speaking of, homosexual pairings, _Throbb_? Me and _Theon, _that's even worse than me and Jon! First of all, he sacked Winterfell and even though part of me still sees him as an older brother, no part of me ever harbored any sexual interests towards him. We're _not_ Loras and Renly. Secondly, while we were close companions before, we're not _that_ close, meaning we've _never _snuggled each other in bed or slept with each other. * shivers * Thirdly, stop with those AU fanfics where, after Theon mystically shows up, I decide to chose his _love_ * shivers * over that of Jeyne's and thus, decide to dump her. Stop, stop, stop.

_Jon x Robb x Theon mpreg?!_

That's it, I'm calling my banners.

Robb Stark

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**A/N: Robb Stark's letter, as requested! I'll try get onto Cat and Jaime next. _Try._**

**Your OTP in ASOIAF? **

**Mine are Jaime X Brienne as well as Theon X Jeyne.**


	14. Varys

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Oh the spider knows it all… he crawls his way into the darkest pits of fanfiction and saw what you foolish writers wrote.

On those Alternate Universe fanfics, I must say it's… interesting some of you chose to make me a gossiping journalist.

Just a _kindly_ reminder, I don't have a cock, and no, this does not give you all an excuse to pair me up with _men_. Just because I dressed up as a woman once doesn't mean I tried to seduce Ned Stark, Tyrion Lannister or John Arryn, or anyone really.

What's with Varys/ Petyr fics out there? Or Petyr/ Varys? I most certainly did _not_ sleep with him in order to gain his co-operations or _finger _him, just because we're both manipulative schemers, doesn't mean we're attracted to each other. Have you seen the way he drools over Catelyn?

Varys

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**A/N: Like seriously, there are Varys/Petyr fics out there... They weren't THAT badly written in terms of writing style but the content scarred me for life ;( **

**I'll do Cat next,btw you won't have to worry about this series ending, I plan to do as much characters as I can think of, like seriously. **

**Favourite Character?**

**Mine are probably Tyrion, Jon, Jaime or Dany. HONESTLY can't decided, anymore, tried to cut down to one and it was impossible.**


	15. Catelyn

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Oh cease all of your Jon Snow/ Catelyn Tully fics immediately! The Oedipal complex? You all are absolutely distasteful and disgusting. Also stop portraying me as an uncaring bitch that constantly tries to abuse Jon Snow, physically and sexually.

Ned Stark is my one and only love, I'd glad some of you chose to expand on our relationship. In short, stop writing all Catelyn/ Jaime, Catelyn/ Petyr, Catelyn/ Brandon, Catelyn/ Tywin, Catelyn/ Tyrion—you get the idea—fics.

Finally, on the subject of my daughters, my sweet Sansa has requested me to place a notice here that she's more than displeased with the drastic amount of SanSan written and what's with me being the 'evil mother-in-law'?!

Catelyn Tully

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**A/N:**

**Question of the Day- Which character do you think you'd rather marry in ASOIAF? ;) (I'll need some time to consider this)**


	16. Jaime

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Why are there stories where I'm being _raped _by Cersei? And for your information, the wench would never be on top, she'll have to take the bottom.

Jaime Lannister

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**A/N: Ahhh this is really short for Jaime, I'll most certainly do a second letter for him ;) **

**More requests? Favourite letter so far?**


	17. Loras

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Yes, me and Renly, write more about us please. But which one of you scumbags came up with Oberyn/Loras or Renly/Oberyn Loras threesome fics? Oberyn Martell crippled my older brother, I'd never fuck him and I'll never share my Renly with anyone.

And what's with all the genderbending fem!Loras/ Renly wouldn't happen, despite its slight appeal. I. Am. Not. Effeminate. And quit making fun with the whole Loras-has-been-stabbing-Renly-for-years-and-Renly-ain't-dead thing or I'll shove a sword up your ass.

What's with all the modern AU stories? I mean, I'm glad that I get to have my Renly but why must there be a third, meddlesome woman who tries to wreck our relationship and I'll never mistake myself for a woman or become a cross-dresser

Loras Tyrell


	18. Bran, Jojen, Meera, Hodor (Bran & Co)

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Hello, Bran speaking here. My fellow travelling companions and me have a few issues to address you writers.

Jojen: I am NOT attracted to Bran, we'll never do anything together—

Meera: Yeah right

Jojen: I'm serious! You know there are some Bran/ Meera fics lying around as well…

Meera: Excuse me?! * Throws a poisonous dart at the screen *

Jojen: Yeah, they talk about how you two fuck each other right in front of me. Oh wait, there's this other one where Bran wargs into Hodor and you fuck him from there—

Hodor: HODOR!

Meera: Jojen! Obviously it's you and Bran, can't you sense the chemistry between you two… so… intimate…. surpassing corporeal feelings and transcending into—

Bran: Stop! Stop! Stop! This wasn't what I meant! I knew I shouldn't have co-written a letter. * skulks * Anyways, both Jojen and Meera are my _friends_, nothing else. Furthermore, we're searching for the Three-eyed Crow not for Mordor. Get the context right. Lastly, I've been into Hodor's mindscape and he's got a few things he'd like to say. * shifts through papers* One, he think's he'd be a great candidate for the Iron Throne due to his leadership skills, charisma humbleness, ability to inspire other others and cheerful disposition. * raises eyebrows *

Hodor: Hodor!

Bran: Secondly, he'd like to confirm the fact that he's _not_ a Lannister…

Hodor: Hodor. * nods *

Bran: Thirdly he'd like you all to stop writing Bran/ Hodor fics, specifically Bran/ Hodor mind-rape fics. WAIT! That _exists?! _What is wrong with you all?! Hello? I'm a crippled, endearing, brilliant and innocent nine-year-old, _not _a serial mind-rapist. Die. Like seriously. Die miserably.

Bran & Co.

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**A/N: Some of these ideas are purely spontaneous, there are also several ones that I've encountered on youtube videos. Seriously, there's this one video with some of the Game Of Thrones cast saying how it's the "fairest" if Hodor gets to sit on the Iron Throne o.O**


	19. Davos

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

_Stavos? _Are you out of your minds, I thought Melisandre was the crazy one. Also, I love my wife and I ain't gonna make shadowbabies with the Red Woman.

Davos Seaworth

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**A/N: More ideas please! Additionally I was thinking of having a combination of people (e.g. Bran & Co. ) working together for a letter, think of some suggestions :p**

**Question: Favourite letter so far?**


	20. Mary Sue

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Hi all, it's Mary Sue speaking here! If you don't know me, I'm technically Dany's twin sister... well... I sort of got left behind sometime in Dragonstone and got rescued by a bunch of hidden dragons but oh well... By the way did you know that Jaime Lannister is totally in love with me even though he fucks his sister and since I'm like the older twin I'm technically the heir to the Iron Throne and the small fold would totally love me to bits. * blows horrifying saccharine smooches *

Also, I'm so going to hook up with Jon Snow and Robb Stark loved me so much when he was alive. I'm so gonna take the Iron Throne and-

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*STAB- STAB- STAB * Unknown assassin which bears suspicious resemblance to Arya Stark, manages to 'accidentally' stab Mary Sue to death.

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_Ned Stark's head:_ And that's my daughter! This is why Mary Sue should never enter Westros, she wouldn't even last a single minute. I mean, look what happened to me. I was supposed to be the protagonist of the series!

_Dead Robert: _Ned, bro, it's all right. We dead people can enjoy the show while the living fuck the crap out of themselves.

_Ned Stark's head:_ Whatever... cheers to the death of Mary Sue?

_Dear Robert: _Cheers!

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* We must regrettably announce that Mary Sue is unable to complete the letter, not that we actually care*

Mary Sue


	21. Jon S II

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

A modern AU context _doesn't _ make Robb x Jon any more probably or acceptable, either way he's still my half-brother! And why are you all assuming that my mother _is_ Lyanna Stark? What's with portraying me as a geek or loner at high school, and mysteriously falling for Robb due to his 'charisma'. Stop already.

And seriously, write more stories about me and Ygritte, quit the whole Jonsa * cringes * and Jonerys.

Jon Snow


	22. Rickon

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Write stories about me going _home._ And about my brothers and sisters Robb, Bran, Arya, Sansa and Jon. And about me and Shaggy, but not _those_ types of stories with me and Shaggy or me and Osha.

By the way what is zoophilia? Or sex? Do you make babies with it?

Not me and Shireen. Who is Shireen? *pouts*

Why am I a pyromaniac in some of your stories?

Rickon Stark


	23. Samwell

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

My name is _Samwell_ Tarly not _Samwise_ Tarly and for the last time, I'm off to Oldtown to become a maester, _not_ taking the 'ring' to Mordor.

Gilly. I love her, I do have feelings for her but I'm a sworn man of the Night's Watch so please... it sounds craven for me to say but those stories you write about us are too much to bear.

As for Modern AU's where I live in some abusive household, I guess it's pretty relevant, except my father would never like me dating Jon Snow-

_Wait._ Me and Jon Snow?! I saw him as a brother! Are you all so intent on interpreting the smallest sign of care as some form of carnal attraction?

Screw this, most of your 'fanfictions' terrify me with your appalling grammar, inconsistencies, smut and Jon/Sam. Okay, I'm craven I admit it yet this time it's with good reason. I'm _never _ever going to try to withstand those horrific abominations which sprouted out of your hormonal, pathologically unstable teenage minds. _Ever._

Samwell Tarly

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**A/N: I'm planning on doing Theon's chapter next ;) Send in some ideas!**

**Question: Favourite POV's? (Mine are Tyrion, Jaime and Theon XD Dany used to be one of them until it got to ADWD)**


	24. Theon

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

_And Robb... The Red Wedding... Oh Robb... Where was I? I should have died with him, gazing into his onyx eyes blissfully with his cock in my mouth and my cock up his arse-_

Really?! May the Other's take you delusional Throbb fans! * Sighs * I've always viewed Robb as a little brother and the sack of Winterfell- that- that was never meant to be that way, if only I could- never mind. I regretted betraying the Starks but I _do_ not regret not 'banging' Robb and forcing him to take me as his paramour.

A Modern AU doesn't make Throbb more eligible or acceptable. Speaking of Modern AU's what's with portraying me as a desperate, insecure teenager who attempts to hook up with every single chick in the vicinity and failing miserably?! Notably, this includes Arianne Martell, Sansa Stark, Arya Stark etc. My nickname would never, ever, ever, ever, ever be 'Squid'. Nor would I ever keep a diary or 'Man-Journal'. *cough cough * I don't do threesomes, foursomes or fivesomes either.

_Thramsay?!_ Reek... Reek... It rhymes with _shriek!_ Wait, that exists?! That's downright appalling, even worse than Throbb! Honestly what's wrong with your minds? Have you any idea what Ramsay would do if he _ever_ discovers the existence of those Thramsay fics?! He'd flay me and take another one of my fingers and-

Oh hell no. Seriously stop writing fics where Jon Snow rapes me at the Wall. *shivers* To you all: Go. Fuck. Asha.

As for Theon/ Asha shippers. Get. The. Fuck. Out.

As for Jeyne Poole, I felt extremely sorry for her and guilty of my impotence during her stay at Winterfell, however I never harbored any romantic feelings for her. Seriously, after the trauma with Ramsay,we don't 'magically jump into bed and have babies'. No. No. No. I can't, you know what Ramsay did to me, you know- * shivers * Never mind, but listen: my relationship with Jeyne is purely platonic. *shakes head* delusional shippers.

Theon Greyjoy

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**A/N: This was quite difficult, I intended to write it in the tone of a Semi-Paranoid Theon...**

**In your opinion who's the 'goodest' character in ASOIAF? (excluding Ned Stark) I'd personally go for Sam, he seems like a genuinely nice guy and Davos, he's honorable but slightly more flexible than Ned and well, perhaps Jon and Brienne.**


	25. House Baratheon

Dear Fanfiction Writers

We would never allow you writers, Renly or his _Rainbow Guard, _to change our house motto into: Ours is the Fairy._  
_

House Baratheon


	26. Catelyn II

Dear Fanfiction Writers

That's _enough_, you hear me? I won't tolerate another story with my dear daughter Sansa having an affair with the hound or Jon Snow, who isn't an acceptable option either.

_Sansa:_ Mother you've said the same thing in your last letter! What about those creepy fanfics-

Oh yes that reminds me, cease all Petyr/ Sansa fics _now_! How dare you all condone such impertinence! Unacceptable, absolutely unacceptable.

Catelyn Tully


	27. Tyrion III

Dear Fanfiction Writers

Despite common speculations, not _all_ Lannisters are subject to chronic incest disorder. One such example would be _me_. Keep that in mind the next time you all attempt some Jaime/ Cersei/ Tyrion threesome, or worse a Jaime/ Cersei/ Tyrion/ Tywin foursome, or a Jaime/ Cersei/ Tyrion/ Joanna/ Tywin fivesome, or a Jaime/ Cersei/ Tyrion/ Joanna/ Tywin/ Lancel/ Kevan/ Genna/ Tommen/ Joffrey/ Myrcella whatever you call it.

Tyrion Lannister

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**Question: Which character in ASOIAF triggers the most sense of sympathy out of you? (Mine HAS to be Theon. Poor, poor guy. Despite his pre-Ramsay jerkassness ADWD _completely_ changed my perspective of him, now he just needs a hug)**


	28. Daenerys II

Dear Fanfiction Writers

Drogon, Viserion and Rhaego are dragons, not lizards, iguanas or any one of your wacky little creatures, hear me? I'm not a pyromaniac either, nor will I be some fanatical student council leader who takes pleasure in terrorizing little kids.

I'm done some research and found out who this 'Jon Snow' is and no we're not going to hook up. Drogo is who I want or Daario, _not_ some spontaneous boy all the way across the narrow sea who is apparently Lord Commander of the Night's Watch, which from all the information I've gathered, is an organization comprised of _celibate_ men.

Neither is this horrendous piece of fanfic below acceptable:

** Daenerys had recently decided to return to Westeros, along with her three dragons, Ser Jorah, Ser Barristan, Strong Belwas and Co. Within a few days on Drogon's back, she promptly landed on the Wall and saw a solemn, handsome young lad by the name of Jon Snow. Immediately being smitten by his comeliness, Dany whipped out a microphone conjured out of thin air and started singing.**

**"Hey I just met you! And this is crazy! Here's my number! So call me maybe!" She twisted her hair, atop, the silvery moonlight adorned her locks with a platinum hue and her eyes were bright, seductive amethysts.**

** Jon Snow blinked and stared in awe.**

**"And all the other boys, try to chase me!" **

**Barristan Selmy shuffles uncomfortably in the corner whilst Jorah Mormont is eyeing Jon Snow with poisonous envy.**

**"But here's my number! So call me maybe!"**

**Jon Snow is still befuddled.**

**"I missed you so bad! I missed you so bad! I missed you so, so bad!"**

**By now, the rest of Jon's gang of friends consisting of Pyp, Grenn, Dolorous Edd and Sam had arrived to witness this... unusual spectacle. Glancing from Dany to Jon to Dany then back to Jon again, Pyp smacked Jon on the head.**

**"She's in love with you!" He chided.**

**"Yeah! And she's a Targaryen! And man she's hot!" Grenn added.**

**"Jon. Hey, Jon are you listening? If the current R + L = J theory is verified then _you're _a Targaryen and the woman there's your aunt," Sam pointed out. **

**Dolorous Edd is merely skulking.**

**"Sam's right."**

**Meanwhile, Jon Snow had finally stumbled out of shock and after pausing a while to survey the situation around him, nodded solemnly.**

**"You're Jorah right?" He approached the man beside Daenerys, currently incensed at her inexplicable infatuation with an - in his opinion- emo, dourly sober boy.**

**"Yes." Ser Jorah Mormont grunted a reply.**

**"I knew your dad Jeor Mormont, he was a great Lord Commander and Sam told me before... before his demise, your father was murdered in our last ranging and he wanted you to know that he... forgives you for what you did." **

**Jon took out Longclaw.**

**"I think you should have this."**

**Jorah blinked, blinked and blinked again.**

**"But what about Daenerys?" He involuntarily blurted out.**

**"Who?"**

**Poor, poor Daenerys gasped indignantly and Sam, Pyp, Grenn and Dolorous Edd coincidentally facepalmed.**

That. Was. Sacrilege.

Daenerys Targaryen

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**A/N: Lol yes. I made that horrendous piece of story up, just to relieve some stress. Don't judge. Exams are taking over my life ;(**


	29. Cersei

Dear Fanfiction Writers

How could you _peasants_ write such stories where my beloved Jaime decides to cheat on me that that _cow _of a woman? Or another where that disgusting wench Margaery manages to topple my from my position of power? Or with my precious little Tommen dying? How _could _you?

Joffrey is my fierce little cub, he's defiant and willful, most _certainly_ different from your horrific, inaccurate portrayals of him. All your Modern AU stories are inane fantasies where you unworthy little peasants try to squirm your way into a position of hierarchy, stop portraying me as a slut, a bitch or-

_Tyrion: _Oh sweet sister, but you _are_ the Queen of Whores and Teats. By the way, there are stories with us together...

Cease all Tyrion/ Cersei fics immediately! I never want to hear of that little abomination ever again!

Cersei Lannister

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**A/N: Oh Cersei is such a fun character to hate :) **

**Question: Most hated character in ASOIAF? (For me, it's Ramsay, Joffrey, Gregor and Lysa. Although for Joffrey, it's more of a love-to-hate thing, as for Lysa, I suppose I could understand her actions but they still come across as unbelievably ****shallow. Grated, Cersei's pretty superficial to, except there's this thing about her that makes you _love_ to hate her)**


End file.
